Be Prepared

One chap, sporting many of the signs of a would-be proverbial, recently proclaimed, “If help is to come, it will be at the last minute.”  And his less sporting voice suddenly spouted, “Well, big deal, ain’t that when needs arise anyway?”

At an impressive looking building, signs above three separate doors announced the following lectures, “What To Do When There’s Nothing To Be Done,” and “What To Do When Something Must Be Done,” and “What To Do When You Know That Whatever You Do Is A Waste Of Time.”  And all three doors led to the same lecture hall.

One little slightly misspelled lad loved to play reporter, and when doing so would sometimes hold a pretend microphone up to his brain and in a low, but urgent voice say, “And now I’m going to try and speak to one of the survivors of that terrible crash.”

Being prepared for the ordinary is about the same as not being prepared.

Within my cosmic ear shot, I heard one guy refer (fairly or not I cannot say) to his brother’s “cultural cachet” as being like-unto an “undistinguished pair of boxer shorts.”

J.

Not Normally

When in the grips of one of his secretive moods, this one chap would wink at his sister and say, “Corduroy’s the last place they’ll look.”

Every time his inner vehicle would overheat, this neat, near-beat little ole timer would sing out, “Bless-my-aunt-Tilda, I’m just a symptom of my former self.”

The latest motto I’ve run across in my travels was in that cosmic stretch over to our east-almost.  It comes from a brash band of highly charged chargers (and not several of them have it tattooed on their semi’s) and it goes, “Begin Until Finished.”

One gentleman, upon preparing to wind himself up mentally to approach a particularly perplexing question, spoke unto himself thusly, “I say, normally I wouldn’t bring this up, but…”  And his brain interrupted and said, “My name’s not Normally.”

You can either be entertained
by man, (Secondary),
by Nature, (Primary),
or by yourself – extraordinary!

J.

The Proof

One promising lad, obviously suspecting that even in a limited dimensional world possibilities still exist, developed as his initial maxim the following, “The proof is in the pudding, or else in the sauce.”

In this one cosmic territory, all of their intellectual recipes begin thusly, “First, clear off the counter completely, then break three extra large brains…”

Between meltdowns, this one fellow bemused, “Hah, I’ve got it all figured out now, the fun’s in the failin’.”

I overheard this one up-and-coming lad say that his current project was in constructing a fire-wall for his mind.

Dead men have no assassination theories.

J.

The Most Fun

What is the hallmark of the Revolutionist’s heroic journey? Simply, This was the most fun he could find.

“My lassie,” said the old man to his granddaughter, “The mind finds itself surrounded by uncertainty, but there is one thing on which you may firmly depend – those who take what they know in a personally serious manner,do not know enough to be of any help.”

One kid, (after many years of being a kid, and some of being an adolescent, and even more of being a grown kid) said, “Of all the wondrous wonders, and marvelous marvels I have seen, the pinnacle to me is in the selling of information.”  (“I chill,” he adds, “just thinking about it.”)

If the “wrong turn” is to the left, then of course, ordinary intelligence “knows” the correct one.

At the local level, what you are bound to may be too small, or it can be too large, but in either case its ill appropriate size itself cements the bonding.

J.

Brown-and-Serve

Why settle for mere “brown-and-serve” brains?

In case you’ve never looked at it in this perspective, no conversions are necessary inasmuch as in a three dimensional atmosphere, all information is already digital.

Overheard in another, more Easterly time zone, “My friends, my dear, dear friends, I’m so pleased to be here that I almost wish I were actually here.”

In most places, gazing off into the distance can make you look intelligent, except for this one world where they’ve moved the far-away up real close.

Least you tend to get too complacent or cynical, do remember this:

Those who
have a motto
need a motto.

J.

If Life Wanted You To Change...

This one semi-interesting chap I recently encountered confidently confided to me, “Hey, if Life really wanted you to change, Life would make you change.”

Over in another satellite zone,  I ran across an outpost whose activities, I must assume, were reflected in a sign posted just outside their camp which said, “The interrogation, And If Necessary, Torture Of Information.”

“Sometimes, when out in the wilds alone, I think I can almost hear Nature speaking to me.”  “And what does she say?”  “Could you move over a bit, you’re blocking my view.”

One father gave his son the following musical (I guess) advice: "If you've got a cheap organ, look for a cheap band."

Once, after a particularly frustrating bout of mental incompetency, one guy thought, “If my brain ever got as hard as my pecker, I’ll be a sight to behold.”  And “local-conditions” overhearing this commented, “If it ever does, big boy, come up and see me sometime.”

J.

In the Future...

In the future,
almost everyone
will be named,
“Hey you.”

This one planet decided that those who were going to be especially dumb would have to have a license.  They encountered one small problem, no one could spell l-i-s…l-i-c…license.

Over in the Western green zone, I met a fellow who would often exclaim, “We’re on the right track now, yes siree, on the right track now,” which, in his case, apparently served a beneficial purpose, in that it seemed to keep him distracted from the fact he didn’t have a train.

In this one constellation, the younger generation grew so vicious and vociferous in their denunciation of the previous generation as, “hypocrites,” that the elders called a general meeting wherein one of their leaders issued the following statement: “The cause of ‘hypocrisy’ in our part of the universe is in being over thirty years of age.  This is the only time we are going to make public note of this, and I suggest that you bullet proof yourselves.”  (Since I have not done so in awhile, need I note that the above may have actually occurred in the single constellation of one man’s nervous system.)

I recently received the following letter:

“Dear Sir: Upon reading your first hundred ‘news items,’ I was fascinated; the first five hundred, I was inspired.  The first thousand became my source of direction, but now – but now – I’m no longer even sure which side you’re on.”

J.

Premises

The captain of this one flimsy planetary ship, stood on the bow and proclaimed, “Remember, we’re all in this together – except those of us who are not.”

Having a lousy memory won’t keep you in at recess, but, not realizing it can cause a teacher to hide your lunch.

Many years ago, interplanetary time travel was possible, but that was long before men discovered it wasn’t

In this one galaxy, the balance of the food chain is so precise that the number of productive accordions is directly tied to the size of the healthy ear population.

The only thing funnier than most conclusions – hey, you’re gonna love this – is their premises.  Huh?  Didn’t I tell ya?

J.

The Last Word

One fine day, Life’s half brother was idling at the back door, watching some planetary progeny at play, when he suddenly shouted out at them, “Hey, kids' games are for kids and this ain’t no kids' game!”  Now feeling much better, and having no idea why he’d done it, he went on about his business.

Being last
in line
at least
gives you
the last word.

One dude, whilst sitting around with himself having a brewski or twoski,  and thinking up a small storm, suddenly said, “If I could do willfully some of the things I do accidentally, I’ll be quite a dude.”  And his drinking-buddy-self replied, “You thought that up all on your own, now did you?”  And his first part then thought, “Other than the greasy sarcasm and tie rod just thrown, this is a good example of what I was talking about – almost.”

A certain educated general with a beard, after making an insightful sounding comment on the philosophical nature of facial hair and martial music, had the voice of his better half whisper something in his ear.  And the general said, “Why do you insist on calling that voice my ‘better half’?”

He arose as tall as possible and declared as intellectually as possible, “I regret, I regret, I say, that I have but one mind to give to the cause!”  And the cause muttered, “Thank you sweet Jesus.”

J.

Missing Person

Fear follows being dumb; cynicism trails being half-dumb; having your shadow become an unnoted missing-person, is the next prize level.

In this one foreign time zone, I discovered a race that believed any extension or acceptance of credit to be a grossly immoral act.  After intense questioning, they held fast to this conviction, although they themselves admitted they could not immediately see its significance.

For many years, every morning at the breakfast table, this one little fellow would declare, “As sure as night follows day, day precedes the night, “ ‘til finally one bright day his mate slammed down the zither tarts in a huff and said, “Boy, is it ever dumb and repetitive, not to mention predictable and meaningless, for you every morning to say, ‘As sure as night follows day, day precedes night,’” to which he replied, “You think it’s dumb and boring of me to continually point out how night always follows the day and et cetera, well, just think about how bland and unexciting it is that it actually does so!”

“No one’s correct the first time around.”

“Why, you know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

The preceding conversation was brought to you by a non-commercial grant from the firm of “You & You.”

A would-be author was heard to say, “My goal is quite simple:  I wish to be able to write like I think.”  And a passer-by mused, “I’d settle for being able to think like I think.”

J.

Mobile Homes

One fellow, who lacked any particular passion towards the everyday things that seem to interest most men, one day remarked, “I wish I had something to dedicate my life to.”  And Life, lurking behind a near-by mimosa tree, retorted, “Ah, but you do, my lad, ah, but you do.”

This one guy, after episodes whereby he disappointed or offended himself, would write notes to himself expressing his regret and his hope that the latest event would not jeopardize their friendship.  Then one day, after years of this, he suddenly said, “If I get any more of these notes from me, I’ll gag.”  And then he thought, “I don’t have to take it to such a crude point.  I could just say that I fail to find any specific benefit in these notes – plus, they make me wanna gag.”

(Eighty-four percent of what’s said in apartments and mobile homes is non-returnable.)

After being reprimanded for the burgeoning habit of referring to himself in the third person, a youngish lad snapped to a near-by uncle, “Hey, it could be worse.  I could treat myself in such a manner.”

This one final guy, gazing at his beloved in the mirror, intoned, “My dear, habit becomes you.”

J.

Introductions

A group of creatures seriously intent on being a group, should be seriously avoided at all intellectual crosswalks.  (In individual cases, sometimes the light can be against you, even when it’s your own.)

The Ultimate Indignity:

To be unknowingly
introduced to yourself.

A ruler once said to his dog, “Ah, I do so cherish our friendship.”  And the pup replied, “Our relationship is really one of the dominant with the submissive.”  And the master said, “I prefer to think of it as friendship.”  And the dog said, “That’s the benefit of being the dominant – you can think of it any way you like."

Only the dying fear excitement.

An intellect without vistas wider than words is too provincial.

J.

Windy

This one chap, often immodestly pleased with his own ideas, would say that his thought processes were “singular in their intensity,” and not at all unlike “earthquakes.”  And his brother noted that they were, furthermore, unique in that they had no epicenter.

That which is objective to man, is subjective to Life, and that which is subjective to man, is subjective to Life.  Are there any further questions?

In a small bistro over on that eating planet, I overheard a fellow note that he had spent so much time with himself recently, that he felt he could now safely say.

Don’t fret over the question of, “Are we our brother’s keeper?” but rest assured we are his fellow conspirator.

The North Wind said, “Talking to others is not unlike talking to yourself.”  And the South Wind replied, “Yet, talking to yourself is a form of talking to others.”  Then, said the East Breeze, “Where does that leave a non-talker?”

J.

CAUTION

The manner in which many earthlings behave verbally, leads me to think they operate under the tacit dictum, “The terser the answer, the worser the answer.”

Caution:
There are darn few
standard traffic laws
governing
neural highways.

One wide-brimmed wedge wood warrior, whilst in control of the soapbox, soundly declared, “The last victory is always the battle hardest fought.”  And his brother asked, “Why couldn’t you say that the battle hardest fought is always the last victory?”  And the general replied, “Cause I don’t want to.”

The mid-term, operational motto of this one electric planet (that I’m sure you don’t want to hear much more about) is, “Being loaded down will get you down.”

Jurisprudence Revisited; Low Fat Philosophy: Leniency doesn’t mean much to a dead man.

J.

Local Conditions

Then that far-away-judge banged his gavel and demanded to know if having a life-time guaranteed muffler is proof that you own an automobile.

Sometimes, when thinking real dull, repetitious thoughts, this one guy would say to his brain, “Hey, I don’t let anyone talk to me like that – even you."

Under
certain conditions,
local conditions
don’t tell you much.

Just before he was really going to try and think, this one guy would holler out to his wife and kids, “Okay folks, stand back!”

Over in La La Land, one sorehead-in-training declared that mortal existence makes all of us unrecognized “yes men” for Forest Lawn.

J.

Give It Up

This one somewhat minimal dude says that after death he hopes only to go to some place that celebrates a national, “That’s The Kinda Guy I Am Day.”

If you can “give it up,” (even if it doesn’t seem very important), you should do so for a little while, just for the hell of it.

Ordinary people who insist that it’s extremely important to “know oneself,” are just trying to forestall the inevitable.

Near the debris belt of this one planet, someone once remarked to an apparent revolutionist explorer that, “I don’t think you are totally human.”  And our man said, “Why, thank you.”

Under three dimensional conditions, there is a long view and a short view of history.  In the short one, men are seen as having moved about events to cause the recalled results.  Same is true for the long view.

J.

Terrifying Terrestrial Tip Number 16

Heard this one guy recently say that he looked on his ordinary mental operations as sort of a “Boy Scout Brain” – adequate enough to help you across the street, but generally geared to the needs of a twelve year old.

For certain types of parties, he people of this one planet would mark their invitations, “B.Y.O.B” – Bring Your Own Brains.

The apprentice nephew of one ole sorehead tries his wimp-o wings by remarking, “Some places have rats, others have interviewers.”  Keep up the good work kid.

In this life, on this world, anything can happen – except that men can be sure of “one thing.”

Terrifying Terrestrial Tip Number Sixteen: Remember, it’s never too late to not cry over anything.

J.

An Upholstered Mind

This one traveler used to like to pull up his head, turn off his feet, back up to the bar and say, “It’s not how fast you say something, but how fast you pretend you didn’t say it.”

An upholstered mind is a peaceful mind.

On one Earth-like planet, I heard a chap say that he’d reached such a level of maturity and understanding, that he didn’t much care what Life does anymore as long as it doesn’t try to sell him something.

It would truly be a sad state if nineteen could only be followed by twenty.

A body
with no leader
ain’t got
nobody.

J.

Industrial Strength Intelligence

There is suffering and there is secondary suffering.  Of what interest is the latter to us?

When asked point blank, almost everyone will say that they’re now in the “second stage” of their life.  Is that cute, or what?

If your intelligence isn’t industrial strength, it’ll never get in and clean out all those dirty corners, or strip off that old waxy build-up.

A newly arrived explorer in the forward system, explained his departure from his former home when he noted that it had become so peaceful that they had to ship in turbulence.

May I conclude by offering this neural consumer tip:  It may prove an illusionary bargain to purchase discontinued information.

J.

Chew on This

(Chew on this in somebody’s spare time:)  That guy that just left, the one who was very tall, standing by the punch bowl, I heard him say that he’d waited so long by the gates-of-anticipation that he no longer knew what to expect.

In matters apparently literatim, try this on:  The proper, revolutionist use of the “Preface” would be to promise that which you perceived should be promised, and then go on to write whatever you please.

Attempting to analyze three dimensional affairs with the sight of but two eyes, is not much of an improvement over what you’ve got now.

For his own personal purposes, a real revolutionist could probably find himself to be a viable alternative to most anything.

A man that don’t
look in the mirror,
ain’t got nothing
to hide.

J.